


Why?

by glitz_scream (orphan_account)



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-07
Updated: 2010-07-07
Packaged: 2017-10-10 10:38:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/98828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/glitz_scream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Because these days aren't easy like they have been once before. These days aren't easy anymore."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why?

**Author's Note:**

> Songfic based on Why by Secondhand Serenade. It's a beautiful, sad song, and a sad story.
> 
> Written ages ago and x-posted from Livejournal.
> 
> Lyrics are in italics.

POV: Kris

_The buttons on my phone are worn thin  
I don't think that I knew the chaos  
I was getting in  
But I've broken all my promises to you  
I've broken all my promises to you_

You smile, you laugh, you pretend everything is ok, when really all you want to do is cry. I can see it in your eyes. The most beautiful blue eyes, usually so filled with life and happiness, now barely keeping the tears at bay, even though it's been half a year. You don't know I'm here, and I don't want to know what you'd do if you did know. But watching you from across the room without being able to approach is the hardest thing I've ever done.   
I tried calling you when it was over, so many times, but you never answered. I didn't expect you to, and I didn't blame you. If I was in your place I wouldn't have answered either. But it still broke my heart, even if it was all my fault. I never should have said those things. I never should have promised things that I knew deep in my heart I would never uphold. Seeing you like this now, just a shell holding up a broken being, tears me in two, but there's nothing I can do, even if I could get close enough to convince you to listen to me again. I never knew that the lies I told you would be the truth, but I know you'd never believe me now.  
Caught up in the whirlwind of emotions that was American Idol, I convince myself that I was in love with you. In the moment I didn't care, or even remember that I had a beautiful wife who meant the world to me, waiting at home. All I wanted was you: your smiles, you laugh, you kisses, your touches, your voice; everything about you that could set me on fire the way no one else could. Of course, deep inside I knew it wasn't true, that it was just because we were thrown together, and your natural magnetism drew me to you, but I told you that I loved you. Near the end of it all I even promised I would leave my wife for you. And you, having opened up and given your heart to me, believed every word I said. So did I at the time, but when I got home I realized what a mistake I had made, and that was your undoing. That is why you have to fake everything just to keep yourself from breaking down completely.

_A phrasing that's a single tear  
Is harder then I ever feared  
And you were left feeling so alone  
Because these days aren't easy   
Like they have been once before  
These days aren't easy anymore_

I remember the way your face lit up when I arrived on the doorstep of you LA home six months ago. You thought I was there to tell you that it was over between Katy and I, and that I still loved you. I did still love you; you were my best friend, but the romance was gone. It had disappeared the minute I stepped over the threshold of my house and into the loving, warm arms of my wife.   
I trailed after you, following you through the house and out onto the porch. You offered me a drink, but I declined, needing to be clearheaded when I told you what I knew you'd never forgive me for. Being there though, seeing you in person for the first time since the Idol tour ended made it almost impossible for me to speak the words I knew I had to say. You sat, stretching out gracefully on a lounge chair, and I perched nervously on the edge of another. I didn't even try to make small talk, didn't try to soften the blow, because I knew it would make no difference in the end. By the time I was finished speaking all the joy had drained out of your eyes, and they were filled with tears that ran down your cheeks, dripping off your chin to land on your shirt. It was heartbreaking, but when I tried to touch you, to tell you how sorry I was, you flinched away and told me to get the fuck out of your sight and never talk to you again. So I left, unable to do anything to make it better, but feeling lighter now that it was over. That lightness only lasted a short time though, before I realized just how stupid I had been. Now, after all we've gone through, before and after, all I want is you again. I need what we had before that first kiss, before my lies, and before I broke your heart. I need the friendship that we had that led to all those things. I need to start over because I know I'm just as broken as you are. I wish now that I could go back, back to the day I met you, and I'd mean every word I said from that moment on, because it's not easy anymore, being away from you. It's not easy being the one who destroyed everything, the one who is still destroying. It isn't easy realizing that without you in my life the reason that I used to smile is gone.

_What matters most? Everything that you feel  
While listening to every word that I sing  
I promise you I will bring you home  
I will bring you home_

I couldn't believe it when the song hit number one almost immediately. It was something that I never thought would happen, not to me at least, and not with that song. Now I'm in front of thousands of people, but none of them matter. All that matters is that I know you are here, somewhere, and I know that you'll hear what I have to say. People may have guessed what the song was about, who it was about, but only two people in the place would know for sure: me, because I wrote it, and you, because I wrote it for you, about you, about us. Every word that I wrote down, every chord in the music, it's all for you, because I don't know how else to tell you the truth, that I'm still a liar, that walking away from you was the worst thing I ever did, and that I love you more than words can ever say. It's complicated, it's messy, it's honest, and when I'm finished I would have bet my life that there wasn't a dry eye in the whole place. Then I see you and everything else disappears.  
The set of your mouth is hard, you are holding yourself too stiffly as though afraid you'll fall apart if you relax, but there are tears streaming down your face. I can see them from where I'm standing on the stage, watching you approach with a determination that makes everyone, including my security, get out of the way. If they knew what passed between us I think they would have kept you away, but they don't know, they never will. And if they did they would never understand it.  
You're standing in front of me now, so close that when I look up to meet your eyes I can see the teardrops clinging to your lashes. You'll never forgive me, you say, and things will never be the same no matter what I do, but maybe, just maybe we can take is slow and start again. It's more than I ever hoped for and all I can do is agree to whatever you want. Now the world knows that I'm in love with you, and even though I know that there is a chance I can never truly rectify what I did, it is the happiest I've been in a long time.

 

POV: Adam

_Why do you do this to me?  
Why do you do this so easily?  
You make it hard to smile  
Because you make it hard to breathe  
Why do you do this to me?_

When you stole my heart, back when our time on American Idol first started, I never knew you would be the one to break me apart. Your lies destroyed who I was, even though no one noticed that I was broken, but when I heard that song, and saw the look in your eyes when you were up on stage performing it, I knew that despite my best efforts I could never stay away from you forever. I hated that you had that power over me, because I knew that I would probably never truly be healed, but there was nothing I could do about it. With you I could try to start over; without you I would continue to fall apart. You are the only person in the world who can make me feel like that, and I don't know why. Maybe I never will. Truth be told I don't want to know why, because if I explore that I know I will destroy everything I have left within me, and never find myself again. So I let myself go where I need to go, with that question always at the back of my mind, waiting to bring everything crashing down: why?


End file.
